


Trying To Remember What It's Like To Be Nothing Again

by Kokodle



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bad Parenting, Bullying, Canon Compliant, Child Abandonment, Child Neglect, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt Spencer Reid, Kid Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid Whump, reid remembers stuff and its hard for him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:53:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27615833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kokodle/pseuds/Kokodle
Summary: Spencer remembers things he remembers everything and sometimes he wishes he doesn't
Comments: 2
Kudos: 60





	Trying To Remember What It's Like To Be Nothing Again

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is just another episode of sad kid reid

Spencer remembers the first time he thinks that there might be something wrong with his family is when he realizes his friend’s dads come home every night. The first time he knew, without doubt, that something was wrong with his family was when his father left, his father left because his mother was sick, but everyone gets sick, his mother is just sick for longer. 

The first time he thinks that maybe it is child neglect or abuse is in a health class he had to take to graduate. In the book there reading there’s a section on child neglect. When school gets out he goes to the public library, he avoids the questions of why he's getting this book and he checks out a book on child abuse and neglect. He reads it and he wants to tear it apart.

The first time Spencer goes to therapy is when his parents divorce, apparently that can be hard on kids, but he tells the therapist that he’s doing just fine, and she leaves him be, she has a more important case then the child genius that seems just fine. He hates therapy telling someone he doesn’t know if he can trust all his most precious secrets and just hoping that they won’t tell. 

He can’t tell the therapist that his mom sometimes doesn’t remember him or that she thinks that he’s a spy or she’ll lock herself in her room for days and that he’ll sleep outside her room just to hear her footsteps to make sure she’s still alive. 

He wants to tell someone, but who does he have to tell, he has no friends, no one. So he writes it down, he writes every second of everyday down, and sometimes the writing is impossible to read cause he his hand can’t keep up with his brain, but he can read because he remembers writing it, he remembers sitting at his desk or on his bed and he remembers writing and writing and trying to put down every sound or thought that he has. Sometimes he finds things that he had written that he doesn’t remember happening like the memories are locked at the back of his brain in some chest and he doesn’t have the key to the chest, but he can peer through the keyhole.

Spencer remembers the first times someone calls him a freak, it was in first grade, he talked too much and a kid called him a freak. It hurt. But it hurt more when it was everyone saying it even in his dreams people were calling him a freak screaming that he didn’t belong, asking what was wrong with him. 

But the people in his dream would get scarier, they would say things that they didn’t know in the real world but in the moments right after he wakes he thinks they do and the fear that consumes him is terrifying. 

Sometimes he’s terrified that the kids at his school would go too far and that his mother would be left alone and sometimes he hopes that they go too far just so that they suffer and that they have to finally deal with the consequences to their actions, deal with pain and responsibility in a way they probably never had to before. 

He’s scared to trust anyone at school he doesn't want to trust anyone because what’s the point he’s going to move on and he’ll leave and hopefully never come back and who know what they’ll do, they might grow, be better people, do better things, he hopes they do that they do great things are great people.

Spencer remembers reading in the library from the moment it opens to the moment it closes because he's too scared to go home to scared that his mom won’t recognize him that she’ll hate him and he can’t deal with that, so he doesn’t he goes to the library and when that’s not open he goes to the park and he just reads or thinks about anything to get his mind off of his mom anything that will make him think of something else. 

Spencer has favorite books, books that he finds he reads more the others, books that aren’t necessary better, but he just likes them more and he’ll read them over and over again whenever he’s stressed and they change, sometimes there not even his favorite book at the time just the ones he find are ones he keeps repeating over and over again in his mind and sometimes he writes in the tiniest handwriting all the words in a notebook and he looks at them and he just keeps writing them down.

Spencer remembers the day his dad left he remembers hims packing the last of his stuff of he remembers his mom pleading for him to stay or to at least take him too and he’s not sure where he wants to go if he wants to go with his father or if he would like to stay with his mother, but he doesn’t have to chose, his dad chose his dad doesn’t want him and it hurts that his father doesn't want him but at least he finally got his confirmation. 

He remembers the aftermath of it, how his mom got so angry that she smashed a vase on the floor and she didn’t leave her room for days. He was so confused and so scared he called in sick to school he called the school and played a voice recording of his mom speaking saying he was sick and he got a few days off and during those days he thought, he thought of what he wanted to do, of what he wanted to be, and he thought of seeing his dad again.

Spencer remembered the first time she hurt him. It was an accident. She was angry and she slapped him, her ring dug into his face. The ring hurts more than the slap and when he went to school the next day he said he scratched it. 

He remembers the first time he has to pay the bills by himself. He walks out there and he walks back and he feels like he’s dying but it’s all worth it when his mom comes out of her room and they order a pizza. 

He remembers the first time his mom thinks he’s a spy, his dad is still around and he tells him to hide in the closet and to not come out. He falls asleep in the closet. 

He remembers the first time his mother yells at nothing. His father is at work and he’s scared because she’s yelling at a wall and he doesn’t understand why, she keeps yelling until his father comes home. 

He remembers his mom and dad yelling, and they don’t want to yell right in front of him so they yell in the kitchen and they all pretend it never happened. 

He remembers lots of things, he remembers most things and at times he hates it. He hates the incessant rush of thought going everywhere and nowhere and he hates all of the things he can’t block out. He hates it all but he has to live with it and at times it’s not that bad. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading. I don't know why i keep making kid spencer fics.


End file.
